“The fungal spores that were released—your assistant says they’re not dangerous to the ecosystem?”
“They’re not. The neuroreactive compounds break down in open air within hours, but in an enclosed space with elevated CO2 and bass vibrations…” I shook my head. “It’s like setting off a hallucinogenic bomb. Temporary, but intense.”
“The guests will be fine in a day or two. Physically, at least.”
The emotional damage?
I thought about the livestream. About the CEO of a Fortune 500 company crawling on the grass pretending to swim. About my sister ripping her Vera Wang dress to shreds while screaming about invisible spiders. About 146 people—relatives, business executives, socialites—reduced to viral memes, watched by 300,000 people.
“That,” I said, “is going to last a lot longer.”
They released me just after midnight. No charges.
My mother, father, and Tiffany weren’t so lucky.
The federal government came down on them like the wrath of every regulation they’d ignored. I wasn’t there for the official proceedings, but Amy sent me the court documents as they became public record.
United States Department of Agriculture versus Coleman Family Estate.
Count one: destruction of federal research property. The warning signs they’d removed? Each one was federal property. Each one bore a government seal. Removing them wasn’t just trespassing. It was tampering with a federal research site.
Count two: causing risk of biological release. Even though the spores weren’t dangerous to the environment, the potential for contamination triggered a mandatory federal response.
Ignorance, the judge ruled, was not an excuse when the warnings had been clearly posted.
The restitution demands arrived first.
Grant restitution: $1,500,000. The entire project was contaminated, and the government wanted every penny back, plus damages.
Environmental cleanup and hazardous waste disposal: $250,000. They’d brought in a 30-person HAZMAT team, destroyed every piece of furniture, excavated the contaminated soil, and sterilized the entire structure.
Federal fine under the Plant Protection Act: $500,000. Maximum penalty for willful removal of biosafety signage.
Total government liability: $2,250,000.
My parents’ homeowner insurance?
Denied. Every cent of coverage. Rejected with a single brutal sentence:
This policy does not cover intentional criminal acts or violations of federal biosafety regulations.
My father actually called me after he got that letter. I let it go to voicemail. I deleted it without listening.
Then came the guests.
One hundred and fifty people, united in their fury and humiliation. They hired a law firm that specialized in class action suits, and that firm smelled blood in the water.
The lawsuit landed like a guillotine.
Medical costs: every single guest had been rushed to the ER. Ambulances. Emergency antidotes. Toxicology screenings. Psychiatric evaluations for the hallucinations. The bills averaged $2,500 per person. 146 guests, times $2,500, equals $365,000.
Personal property damage: the HAZMAT team hadn’t just sterilized the conservatory, they’d destroyed everything inside. Vera Wang wedding dresses dissolved in chemical spray. Armani suits incinerated as contaminated material. Dior handbags, Rolex watches, custom Italian shoes—all gone. The lawyers assigned an average value of $10,000 per guest in destroyed property. 146 guests, times $10,000, equals $1,460,000.
Emotional distress and public humiliation: this was the big one.
The livestream had gone nuclear. Within twenty-four hours, it had been viewed over three million times. Memes flooded social media—the CEO swimming on grass, my sister’s dress-ripping meltdown, a state senator crying about demons in the roses.
These weren’t just embarrassed wedding guests. They were public figures, business leaders, socialites whose reputations were currency. The emotional distress claims ranged from $50,000 to $100,000 per person, depending on their public profile and the severity of their viral humiliation.
Estimated total: $10 million.
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